A boy!

We are having another BOY! insert all blue love hearts possible.


We are over the moon excited as you can imagine and I can’t wait to meet this little guy! insert more blue love hearts emoticons here.

I didn’t have a strong preference nor gut feeling, although, I admit I was getting excited to the idea of a baby girl.

Let’s get a little bit serious, shall we? Story time!

At the beginning of the pregnancy, I had mixed emotions on my geneder preference, even if in reality, I would accept a boy or girl.

Having a girl would mean we have one of each. Question is, will they be friends? Will they get along?

Then I get this pang  of sadness, I wish I could ask my mum how I was as a baby, as a toddler, as school age girl, as a teenager.  Alas, my questions will remain unanswered.

I was a goody-two-shoes kind of teen. I aimed to please my parents and didn’t do anything to make them upset. I grew up too quickly and worried about life too early. I aimed to please my mum the most and did everything in my power to make her proud, happy and content. To me, she was my light and everything. I did everything for her, even agreed to moved to a different country to make sure my entire family has got a chance of a better life. All I wanted was for her was to be happy. Always. But what if my potential daughter hates me and be the complete opposite of me?

Then I look at my relationship with my brother. It’s not perfect but we’re there for each other. We will do anything for each other no matter what. But what if I have a boy and girl and they hate each other and don’t ever want to help each other?

Then I started imagining having 2 boys and the same worries hit me. What if they don’t like each other? hate each other?

And then, reality hits, no matter what I am having, I can’t predict the relationship they are  going to have. I can only teach them how to love, tolerate and respect each other.

End of Story time.

I have so many worries just like any parent but I know that we can only guide and teach our children to be in the path we want them to be, have the values we want them to have, create the life we imagined them to live just as much and the rest is all on them. You can’t control everything.

I do have a list of things that I’d like to tackle differently than how my parents did and hope for the best. We all have the ideas of how to be a better parent than our own and pretty sure our children will have the same ideas when it’s their turn. The key word is “better”, means it’s a win win. It’s a positive change.

Some people say we are our parents but in all honesty,  I don’t think we are. We are our own kind of parents. We just know their habits that we grew up with and subconsciously finding ourselves following them. Most are good and some are bad. Changing the bad habits means you care so much that you didn’t want to commit the same “mistakes” as your parents did. Mistakes and how we define them are subjective. Some are clear mistakes, ie, abuse, negligence, etc. And some are “choices” that our parents made that were deemed right for the family at that time. We don’t know how hard parenting is when we’re young. Not me at least.

Parenting in general is really hard. Making sure you’re on the same page as your partner is even harder. It’s no easy feat. And no one is perfect. We can only aim to be good if not better.

End of serious talk.

What a serious post! LOL

So..a penis is growing inside me. For those SATC fans, you know who said this.

I am having a boy and I remain the Queen of my household!

Hope you’re having a lovely Friday! xx


I am pregnant!

Yes, you read that right, I am pregnant! After a year of trying and failing, it finally happened.


People told me that once we stopped trying then it will happen. I hated that advice with a passion. I never once thought of myself being able to not try, I know too much about my body now and my ovulation, it’s just too hard to switch off, but that’s how this new journey started. We stopped trying.

We decided to stop trying (aka for me to stop obsessing about everything) until we see a Fertility Specialist. It’s been a year and  it was time to see a specialist. I got all my paperworks, first appointment booked and a doctor’s referral. I got it all sorted and we were just waiting for the day.

I cancelled the appointment.

Story Time!

Five days before the appointment, I had a terrible gas pain. For the first time I didn’t associate it as pregnancy symptom, instead, I put it down as something I ate like a normal person would. The day carried on as normal, chasing taming a toddler, cooking, cleaning, complaining about gas pain, toddler in timeout, laundry. It was a public holiday, long weekend.

The following day was different, I still had the gas pain and I can’t seem to relieve myself with all the remedies I can think of to release the bad gas. So I decided to pee on a cheapie stick at 4am in the morning, because why not. If I can’t get rid of the bad gas, I’ll just pee on the stick.

3 minutes passed.

Picture me in the toilet holding up the cheapie pregnancy test, trying to find the best possible light/angle because I swear I can see a second line. I swear!

5 minutes passed.

Picture me in the toilet now wearing my glasses, holding up the cheapie pregnancy test, bending backward and forward, still looking for the best possible angle, because I really see a very faint second line.

Nah, it can’t be. It’s 4am and I am possibly sleep walking.

I threw the cheapie stick in the bin.

I pulled it out.

I wrapped it in toilet paper then threw it in the bin.

I pulled it out again and took it with me to bed, clutching it in my hand.

I then put it in my bedside drawer.

I went back to sleep.

Seven O’clock alarm woke up and he is screaming Mummy. I got up and first thing I checked was my drawer. Did it really happened?

I carefully opened the drawer, cautious that something will just jump at me. I saw the tissue paper, shook my head in disbelief, I opened it, blinked a few times to adjust my eyes, and there I see the second line.

And so I held my pee for 2 hours

I did another cheapie pregnancy test, in secret. The husband mustn’t know.

3 minutes passed.

I see a much darker second line.

Wait, don’t celebrate yet. Don’t even jump. What should I do?

I was confused. I was happy and scared at the same time. I was only 10DPO (days past ovulation). Why am I getting a positive test this early?

I kept the secret for one more day because I was still convinced it’s a false positive.

Sunday, I woke up at 6am with a mission.

I took my only and last digital pregnancy test from my secret stash and headed to the other toilet. Away from the husband.

I didn’t want to mess it up so I peed in a cup.

Dipped the digital test in the cup.

5 LOOOOOOONG Minutes passed

The “hourglass” was still blinking. At that point, I was feeling deflated. It shouldn’t take that long, should it?

I started filming myself and the blinking hourglass. I thought I’d document what’s happening.

And BAM!

Pregnant. 1-2 weeks.

I didn’t know what to do. I was shaking.

I sat down the toilet (lid closed).

I stood up.

Paced a little.

I was still filming. Cut the filming. Looked at the test. Sat down the toilet again.

After an hour, I woke up the husband and presented him the most unhygienic yet most wonderful gift.

End of Story time.

It was a very confusing time. I wanted to be excited but I can’t. I was emotionally cautious. I didn’t want to get hurt again and have my hopes up.

It was not until I had my first scan and saw a pebble looking blob with a strong heartbeat at 6w3d, that I realised I am indeed pregnant.

My son is inlove with the belly and my husband and whole family are just as excited as I am.

I am now 14w and counting and I can’t wait until I meet this baby. I think this time he/she is ready to be part of our family.

If you read the whole post, thank you. High Five!

Hope it’s warm and sunny where you are 🙂

Purging: Part 1


Mother: It’s good to purge.

Kate Ellis: Then what fuck is this? *points at the Christmas Elf she’s holding*

-scene from the movie Sisters (Tina Fey and Amy Poehler).

I decided to sell (some) my maternity clothes. I know, shocking.

Letting go of my maternity clothes is also my way of surrendering. Fuck it.  I’ve been trying to conceive for another baby for(exactly) a year now.  It has been a roller-coaster ride from the time we had our miscarriage last year to 12 months after of not being able to conceive again. Continue reading